Lead me into forever
by Linda-previouslyMissyMaura
Summary: UPDATE! Chapter 17 is finally up! He's left :0 Samka. Set present time but I hadn't seen S11 so no spoilers.
1. Default Chapter

Hiya guys, hope you like the new story from me. Enjoy and remember how important reviews are to my writing speed.

I know they don't belong to me.

Hope you all like it,

Maura x-x

Lead me into forever

"Just go, you're annoying me now."

"Oh charming, I wont bring you chocolate pudding later either. Or move the coffee table closer, or cook tonight."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But please, just go." I curl up again and find the warm dip he left when he stood up. He leans down and kisses the side of my head softly. It tickles my ear and I giggle.

"You gonna go back to sleep?" He says, pulling on his scrubs pants.

"We'll see. Now I'm awake, I may not be able to."

"Oh, you can't blame me for your inability to sleep." He chuckles, smoothes down his hair and pulls out a pair of socks. "I'm off now, I'll see you later." He kisses me and heads out the door. "Bye Alex."

"See ya later Luka." Alex yells back. I hear him trot down the hall and open my door. "Mom?"

"Morning. Have you…"

"Yes!" He smirks, cutting me off. Clambering into the bed he wriggles up next to me.

"Alex, you're feet are freezing."

"I get it from you. Don't moan." I wrap the cover over him and we doze off.

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_**Beep-beep…beep-beep…beep-beep…beep-beep.**_

I snatch at my beeper and squint at it. This better not be…

Kerry! How did I guess?

"Kerry? You beeped me?"

"Hi Sam, we need you. We're down 3 nurses. I'm really sorry to call on a weekend, I know how hard it is for you with Alex and things but I wouldn't call you if I wasn't desperate."

I agree to work til 6, that's only 8 hours. I'm also reeling from the caring tone in Kerry's voice. I think Henry has really changed her.

"Hey Al, do you wanna go to Tommy's for the day?"

"He's at his dads."

"Mike?"

"His mom's."

"Zac?" I'm getting desperate, dredging my mind for names of my son's friends.

"He's moving house today. Why? Do you have work?"

I sigh and nod, burying my head in my hands.

"I could come with you!" He pipes up. I can tell without looking that he's grinning like an idiot and nodding. For some obscure reason he likes coming to work with me. Be it for the dead people, the sick people or the medical people, I don't care. He's happy, therefore I am happy.

"Fine, go get dressed. QUICK!" He runs off, laughing. I throw myself into a pair of scrubs and grab two bottles of juice, thanking god that Luka knows my exact way of living- lying in bed so I'm almost late and grabbing juice as I run out the door- so he stocked up on all manner of fruit juices.

What would I do without that man?

- - - - - - - - - - -

_5 hours later_

"Hey Sam, can you come and help me with the kid in curtain 4?" Abby peers round the locker door and smiles pleadingly. I yawn and stand up.

"Stay here Alex. Eat that, drink that, do that, read that but DON'T even dare to set foot out of this door!" I raise my eyebrows until he nods and then I follow Abby out.

"Hi Marli, what's the matter today?" I ask, recognising the little girl sitting on the bed. She holds out her arm which looks crooked.

"Did you fall again?" She nods. She's never been a big speaker, which was worrying the first time she came in with a broken arm. And the next week when she broke a rib. Then the next month when she broke 3 fingers. The evidence screams child abuse, we even reported her dad. Until we did some tests and realised that she had brittle bones.

"We'll cast it and this time I'll make sure you get the pink one." She grins. I retrieve the necessary equipment and Abby casts Marli's arm as I distract her by singing songs. She's only 3 and yet she knows the routine so well that she can tell us if we've forgotten something. Like the lollipop at the end.

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	2. chapter 2

Here's the next part. Enjoy!

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I finish up with Marli and hand her to her worried looking father. He's such a sweet man, a single father of 28 who works all the hours God sends to look after his precious daughter. I can't believe we ever thought he'd harm her.

As I walk up to the locker room door I hear Luka's voice. I think he's on the phone, talking in Croatian. I hear him say his brother's name a few times and he sounds slightly angry. I've never seen Luka angry except the rare moments when something hits a nerve, like cases to dowith children. He snaps something that sounds like goodbye and turns off his cell.

"Luka, Is everything okay?" I push the door open fully and peek inside. He looks up and smiles a little.

"Did you hear all that?"

"Yes, but I couldn't understand a word of it." I laugh softly and walk over to him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I rest my forehead on his and sigh. "You wanna tell me?"

He shakes his head and pulls away from me. Running his hands through his hair he twists away and gets out of the chair. I'm left standing in the centre of the room, wondering what made him so irate.

After a few seconds he turns to me. He has tears in his eyes and for a second he looks so sad my heart aches to help him.

"Can we go home? And talk." I nod and take his hand.

"Where's Alex?"

"With Carter in sutures." He bites his lip. I know what he isn't saying.

"I'll go. You go and open the car." I put the keys in his hand and go to grab my son.

"Alex, time to go home." I smile at Carter. He's had a tough few months; first his baby dies, then Kem leaves. He would have made a fantastic father, he clearly loves kids and he has enough patience. He entertained Alex for over an hour!

Alex pulls on the coat I hold out to him, waves to Carter and runs off to the car.

"Thanks Carter, he can be a bit of a handful."

"My pleasure." He says with a sad smile. I smile and wave before disappearing through the door. Sometimes being alone is the key.

I get to the car and Luka is in the driver's seat, chattering to Alex who's dangled between the seats playing with the radio.

"Luka, other side."

"It's okay, you're tired…" He looks at me and gets out. I slide in, wait for him to belt up and for Alex to sit down again then I start the engine and pull away. We manage to get home in record time and Alex runs off to take his insulin and do some homework due in the next day.

"You wanna talk now?" I probe gently, sitting down next to him. He turns to me and takes my hand.

"Sam, my father is dying." I gasp.

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. We…weren't the best of friends. He was very opinionated about everything. He sort of blamed me for leaving my family the night the shell hit the apartment, he blamed me for giving up on CPR, and he blames me for leaving Croatia to come here." He bites his lip. "My brother called today to tell me Tata was calling for me. I said I didn't want to go."

"Luka, you can't let him die without saying good-bye."

"He told me before I left that he didn't want to see me again if I got on the plane."

"He was angry. He didn't mean it." I hate the idea of Luka not going. I know he'd feel guilty someday and wish I'd pushed him to go.

"You don't know my father."

"But I know you. And I know that if you don't go, you will regret it." I squeeze his hand and trace the lines on his palms. "Please just think about going."

"Okay, I'll ring the airport tomorrow and see if there are any flights." He surrenders, curling his fingers round mine.

"Thank you." I whisper, moving closer to him. I reach up and run my hands through his hair. It's thick and soft like the fur of a new teddy, and it smells like coconuts. I kiss him gently but increase intensity when he responds. Soon our hands are wandering all over each other and we've moved so he's lying on the sofa and I'm lying on top of him. Suddenly the floor creaks and I stop my exploration. Luka's lips trace along my collar bone and I shiver but the sight of Alex's face round the door makes me jump up and straighten my clothes.

"Mom? Can I get a drink?" He says, scratching his leg. Luka coughs behind me and I blush.

"Yeah, go on. Just no coke. Milk or water." He disappears and Luka's arms capture me from behind. He starts to tickle me and I giggle and pull away from him, making him reach out to catch me again. I twist away and run out into the kitchen, with him hot on my heels. Alex looks up from his glass hunt with wide eyes as I tear past him and Luka scoops him up.

"Four arms are better than two. Come on Al, boys against girl. Tickle war."

"Yeah!" He replies. Luka charges after me and Alex runs the opposite way, blocking off my escape route. I back away from them, laughing until I hit the wall. Luka reaches me first and pounces. Alex grabs my feet and tickles them as Luka alternates blowing raspberries on my belly and tickling my ribs.

"I'm. Going. To. Pee. Myself." I gasp between laughs. Alex stops tickling but squirms in so we're one big people sandwich.

"I like you better when you laugh." He states, hugging me. Luka smiles and wraps an arm around Alex and me.

"I like it better when I laugh too." I say, tapping him on the nose. "Now, bed time. You've got school in the morning and I don't wish to be late again; I want to keep my job." Surprisingly Alex gets up and heads towards the door. I cough and he turns round.

"Night." I wrap my arms round him and kiss his cheek. Luka comes over and scoops him up, dangling him upside down.

"I'll take him tonight. Go and put your feet up."

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As usual, R&R please and make my day! :0) Thanks to the people that reviewed the first chapter!


	3. chapter 3

**Hiya, thanks so much for the support you've all shown with your reviews. I write for you, so it's you who I want to know enjoys it. Ta x-x p.s Remember to keep reviewing!!!! :0)**

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"Sam? I rang the airport and there's a flight the day after tomorrow. I haven't booked a return because…erm, I don't know what's going to happen. Just thought I'd tell you. Bye…"

I listen to the message as I take my coat off. So soon! We haven't seen each other today- I was working 8am-6pm; he was working 6pm-4am. Luckily both of us have tomorrow off so we can spend it together. Packing probably.

"Mom, what's for dinner?" Alex calls as he bound through the door, trailing shoes, bags and gym kit from the hall to his room.

"Pizza. Now come and pick all of this up!" He bounds back out, scoops all the stuff up and throws it into the hall cupboard. I shake my head, why did he have to inherit my untidiness?

"Where's Luka?"

"Work." I unwrap the pizza.

"Where's my gym kit?"

"Hall cupboard!" I put the pizza on the tray and slide it into the oven.

"Where's my homework?"

"Coffee table." I set the timer and turn round.

"Where are my fish? They've been moved!"

"I cleaned them out yesterday. There on your dresser. Now quit with the questioning!" I pour him some juice and hold it out. He runs in, gulps it down in one and runs back out, holding a tatty piece of paper and a pencil. "Hold up! What's that?" Alex stops and turns round slowly.

"Work." He holds it to his chest.

"What for? English?" He nods. "Can I read it?" he nods again.

Written in pencil, my son's scruffy handwriting scrawls across the page;

_The person I admire most._

_The person i admire most is _

_i really admire_

_The person i admire most is my friend Luka. He's my mom's boy friend now but he was my friend first! But I don't mind that they are dating cos he's fun and he makes my mom laugh. Plus he plays ball with me and helps me do my maths and he even said that he will buy me a puppy soon. If mom lets him._

_Luka isn't from this country. He's from a place called Croatia which is quite far away. He has a funny accent and somtimes he doesn't know what we're talking about but he's really good at English! He's gonna teach me some Croatian._

_He's a doctor at the hospital where mom works and he is really good. He has saved millions of people but he has explaned that somtimes the doctors can't save them cos there really sick. It's sad when that happens. _

_About 2 months ago Luka moved in with mom and me. It was really exciting cos he had loads of video games and he said he'd let me play on them. Since he came to live here mom has been nicer to everyone. She cooks dinner better now, and lets me stay up a bit later. _

_Last week Luka pr prop proposid to mom and she said yes she would marry him. That means Luka is going to be my step dad. I can't wait! I'm not going to have his surname-Kovac- which is so much better than Taggert but that doesn't matter._

_I admire Luka cos he's cool, and funny, and he makes me and mom smile, and he's a doctor and saves people, and he lets me play his games but most of all cos he's better than my real dad._

_Alex Taggart._

I look at him as he blushes.

"I had to read it out in class today cos Ms Winter said it was the best for a change and I got a star and 5 points." He beams suddenly and I realise I've just had the deepest insight into my son's life than I've had for about a year.

"I'm so proud of you." I say, reaching out and hugging him. "Is this all true? Do you like Luka better than your dad?" He nods.

"Of course! Luka has games and he cooks nice food, and says stuff in another language, and he makes you laugh." I shake myself, noticing it's the second time he's said it to me in 2 days. Did I not laugh before? "When's dinner ready?" It sounds muffled as he speaks into my stomach. I laugh and let him go.

"10 minutes. Now go and…play some games." He punches the air and runs off, probably so I can't change my mind.

We have a quiet dinner, like old times except I spend more time cracking jokes and talking about the wedding than snapping at Alex, or yelling. We figure out that Alex wants to be the ring bearer but he doesn't want to look stupid and babyish so I'm going to talk to Luka about getting Alex a smaller version of his suit. That way, Alex will look smart as well as feeling grown up.

That night, I fall asleep thinking about the wedding and dream that everyone has wings and Alex is all grown up. Scary thought.

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Hope you enjoyed it...click that button!


	4. chapter 4

**Thank you so much to everyone that reviewed the last three chapters. I'm so happy that so many people like it enough to review! It makes my day! Bye for now x**

_Leaving day_

I open my eyes and for a second I forget what today is. Then it hits me and tears spring to my eyes.

He's going and we don't know how long for.

"Morning." His breath rushes in my ear and I turn over to kiss him. He looks tired and I know that neither of us slept great amounts last night. But, wow. Let's just say I will have _good _memories of him.

"I wish I didn't have to go. I'm going to miss you. It would be okay if I knew when I could come back, but Dmitri will want me to stay for a bit no doubt."

"It's okay. They have phones in Croatia right?"

"Yeah, and everyone is allowed one call a week." He says seriously.

"What????" I screech, then blush as I realise he's laughing.

"Joking." He splutters between giggles. "I'd better be getting up. My plane goes at 12. It's 9am now." We wriggle out of bed, and I sway.

"Something up?" Luka asks.

"Just a bit dizzy. Probably the flu." He nods and heads into the bathroom.

Whilst he takes a shower I wake Alex up and start breakfast, making sure I give Luka the most juice and the most bacon and the most pancakes.

"Luka?" I call. "Luka?!" I put down the plates and walk into the bedroom. Luka is standing by his case looking down.

"Luka?" I almost whisper as I approach him. He turns round and smiles but I can see his eyes are moist.

"Can I take this?" He holds out a picture and I look at it. It's one of the three of us at the lake last year, in a frame. I have it next to my bed to remind me of them every morning.

"Of course. As long as I can keep this one here." I reach out and pick up his wallet. Flipping it open I pull out my favourite picture, ever. It's also taken at the lake and it's of Luka and Alex fishing. Alex is sitting on Luka's lap and they're both smiling. It's so perfect.

He nods, and pulls me to him, hugging me.

"I'm gonna miss you." He whispers. I nod, overcome by tears. He lets me go and leans down, kissing my cheeks and taking the tears away.

"All gone." He says, smiling. I smile back and together we return to the table. Alex is midway through a pancake, and looks up at me.

"I was really hungry." I roll my eyes and sit down. We all manage to eat breakfast without any fuss.

_----There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth_

_There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt_

_It's still a little hard to see what's going on._

_There's still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness_

_There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed_

_You step a little closer each day that I can't say what's going on… ---_

I think I have just cried out every last drop of liquid in my body. Alex has never seen me cry so much, so he's a bit freaked out.

"Are you sure you can see properly? I mean, I don't wanna crash or anything."

"Alex, I'm good." I snuffle, pulling out in front of a Jeep. Oops, maybe I'm not good, more like okay or pulling through. "Let's just get home."

"Don't kill me."

"I won't."

"Don't start crying again."

"I wont." I wipe my nose and carry on driving. These next few days are going to be tough- it's been 10 months since I've been alone in the apartment for more than a few hours. It's going to be very weird.

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"Hi Sammy, how are you?"

"Yeah I'm…okay." I say, pulling various food stuffs from the fridge.

"The flight was fine; I slept most of the way." He chuckles and I smile at the sound. "Has your dizzinessgot worse?"

"No, it's been okay. Still feeling sick sometimes so I might ask Abby or someone to check me over."

"Sam, have you thought about…" He leaves it hanging.

"Oh jeez Luka, no. That's not possible."

"Everything is possible. Maybe you should do a test."

"We've used protection every time. No way." I push the subject out of my head. There's no chance it's possible.

"But…"

"Luka, please. I know my own body. There is no way I'm…" I don't want to say that word, I've never liked it.

"Okay."

"How's your dad?" I change the subject fast.

"He's fine…actually no. He's very sick. End stage lung cancer, pleurisy, possible heart and liver failure. He has altered mental status, he's hallucinating. It's horrible."

"I'm so sorry." I can't begin to know what he's feeling, seeing his father for the first time in years in that state. I've seen too many people with those problems to know what it's like. They're basically a skeleton, unable to eat, drink or even breathe sometimes. It's hard to watch them, like I did, battle for days, weeks sometimes months to stay in a place somewhere between life and death. They hang there and there's nothing we can do to cut the last thread, we have to watch.

"I wish he knew I was here." His voice cracks and I know how close he is to tears.

"He does. Luka, I know it. He senses you're there even if it doesn't seem like it."

"Hmmm, maybe; Dmitri is driving me mad though. He seems to think he knows what Tata needs." Luka sighs. "He's always been bossy ever since he was small."

"You're no push-over."

"You need to meet Dmitri then. I will seem like an angel."

I chuckle. "I doubt that very much. You left your halo in the tumble drier and it's shrunk." He laughs and I realise how different it sounds down a phone line.

"So where are you staying?"

"With Dmi, Catriona, and their kids Jakob, Leioa and Lilia."

"Awww, so you get to see them all again."

"Yeah, Jakob is Alex's age so I can really relate to him. Lilia is a bit wary cos she was one when I last saw her but Leioa is a sweetie."

"Sounds nice. Alex is here and he keeps waving at me. I think he wants to speak to you."

"Okay, put him on." I pass the phone to Alex and continue making dinner. He laughs a lot and says a few things about me crying and lying with my head on Luka's pillow. Thanks Al, there goes my cool act.

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R&R folks, and make my Xmas a great one. Merry Xmas everyone!!!!!


	5. chapter five

**Hiya everyone, thanks for the amazing reviews for both the newest fics- it means a lot to me. Hope this chapter is okay-it's kinda short and more of a filler than anything.**

**But read, review and enjoy!!!!**

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"Ear infection- You have an ear infection. Take these every day for 7 days and the dizziness and nausea should pass. But get some sleep!"

"Thanks Abby." She holds out a bottle of pills. I thank her again and go into the locker room feeling bone tired.

"Hi Sam, how are you?" Neela sips a cup of coffee and looks at me over her medical journal. I shrug and pull on my coat.

"Not too bad. Bit weird without Luka at home."

"Yeah I bet. Guess what…Michael is coming home in 3 weeks!"

"Oh wow, I bet you're both really excited." She nods energetically.

"I'm going out there for Christmas too. That's if he's not home by then of course but I've got the time off already."

I smile and say goodbye, thinking only of the bath and bed for the next few hours.

Me and Luka are taking Alex to New York at Christmas to see the tree and to go skating and all the stuff I always wanted to show him but never had the time or money. He's so excited I wish we hadn't mentioned it to him til nearer the time- we have another two months of his excited chatter about learning to skate and buying warmer coats.

I push open the front door and drop my bag on the floor, collapsing into the armchair.

"Mom?" Alex calls from his room. "What's for dinner?"

"Pasta. Do you wanna make it?" I call wearily back, knowing I'm going to fall asleep any second.

"Okay. How was today? Any gross people?"

"The people up in ICU had a man with maggots in his mouth." I say, and know without opening my eyes his facial expression.

"COOL!" I shake my head.

"How come you're so…weird?"

"And you aren't?" I reach out and swat him gently, still with my eyes shut. He giggles and tickles my foot and I pull away finally opening my eyes.

"Want pizza?" I ask.

"Yeah!!!" he rushes off to find the pizza menu and call up for a chicken, sweetcorn and double cheese 9inch. The guys at the shop must know him so well by now.

Ten minutes later the doorbell rings and Alex gets it whilst I find my wallet. When I get to the door it notice it's a new delivery guy. Alex is talking to him about his board which is propped up against the banister.

"…That's an awesome suspension! Can I have a go?"

"Maybe another time buddy." He replies, smiling at me. He looks about 22 and a bit rebellious.

"Can you go and cut it up Alex." He nods and carries the precious pizza into the kitchen.

"How much is it?" I ask.

"That's seven dollars please. Sweet little brother you've got there."

"He's my son." I hand him a ten dollar bill and smirk as he flaps for my change, blushing.

"I'm sorry. But you sure don't look old enough."

"I wasn't." I smile and shut the door. Wandering into the kitchen I ruffle Alex's hair as he manhandles the pizza cutter.

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I lie in bed at 2am wishing with all of my heart that when I open my eyes Luka will be there, asleep next to me.

I peel open my lids and almost cry as I see the achingly empty pillow, unblemished by a sleeping head.

He rang last night and we spoke for over an hour. I cried.

Lying back into the pillow I feel hot tears prick my tired eye lids and feel so stupid. I've never let myself get this attached to someone, I'm always ready for loneliness but this time I forgot to put up the barriers and I fell in love like a teenager.

I look at the picture propped up on my bedside table, of Alex and Luka fishing. Softly I trace his face with my finger and fall asleep, dreaming of him.

_To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think can be real. _

_To know you feel the same as I do is a threefold utopian dream. _

_You do something to me that I can't explain. _

_So would I be out of line if I said I miss you?_

_I see your picture; _

_I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine. _

_You have only been gone 10 days _

_But already I'm wasting away._

_I know I'll see you again whether far or soon. _

_But I need you to know that I care. _

_And I miss you. _

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"…Do you know when you're gonna be coming home?"

"I don't know. Dad is still the same, on the edge of everything."

"Alex's is worried you won't be home for Christmas." I voice my fears of it being another empty Christmas promise.

"Sam, I'll be back for Christmas. It's not for another two and a half months."

"Good." I slump into an armchair, humming a tune I remember from the radio. Softly, I hear Luka singing the words.

"I'd give up forever to touch cos I know that you feel me somehow, you're the closest to heaven that I've ever known and I don't wanna go home right now." He stops. "Iris by the Goo Goo dolls. It's in your collection."

"Luka, I miss you." I feel so close to tears, the lump in my throat prevents me from speaking above a whisper but I hear him whisper back.

"I've never missed someone more in my life."

I end the phone call literally sobbing. I gotta stop this, I sound so stupid crying down a phone.

Alex walks in, frowns and walks back out. I don't blame him; there are only so many tears one kid can see.

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**Go on, review. Pretty please with a jelly tot on top. And sprinkles. And chocolate sauce. And a glass of milk/apple juice. And a party popper. And a party hat....**

**Okay, it got silly. But review please xxxxxx**


	6. chapter 6

**Hiya everyone! Back again, to bring you up to date with this fic. Personally this is my fave fic but its still so hard to write. I know where I want it to go but its just getting there without rushing thats the problem. So please bear with me while I sort myself out. Please keep up your amazing support, you make me dudes! Luv ya all**

**R&R and Ill love ya more! ;0)**

**Maura x-x**

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Luka POV

I sit in my room, listening to Dmitri and Cat arguing about something small, just like every night since I've been here.

I hear a soft knock and Leioa pokes her head around the door.

"Uncle Luka, can I toggle?" Her four year old speech makes me smile. I nod and open my arms and she curls into my lap and sighs.

"Mama and Tata are shouting again. It's not nice." She frowns. "And Lilia is being nasty and shut me out of my room."

Lilia is the exact replica of Dmitri- bossy. But she has Cat's softer side too which redeems her.

"Well, you stay here til supper then maybe she'll be in a better mood." I say, looking in the mirror. I stop suddenly as memories flood back.

A photo in a frame; a young girl's face upturned and smiling, her father laughing and happy- the picture of perfection.

Jasna and me on the sofa exactly a year before the bombing. She was three and Marko was 6 months.

"Uncle Luka…Uncle Luka!" Leioa tugs on my hand. "Mama is calling. Supper." I shake myself.

"Okay squirt. Come on." I carry her downstairs as she giggles.

After dinner Jak, Lei and I go to the park across the street to play catch. We asked Lilia but she's grounded cos she trapped Leioa's fingers in the bedroom door.

Jak is surprisingly patient with his sister seeing as he is nearly 12 and she can't catch cos of her swollen fingers. It takes about 15 minutes before they get bored and ask to play on the swings. Whilst Jak swings the highest he can, I push Lei who seems content with getting to about waist height and giggling a lot.

We traipse back just as the sun is setting.

"Uncle Luka, look!" Jak points at one particularly bright star. "Wow!" Leioa bounces on my shoulders.

"Jak that one is your guardian star. And Lei, that little one next to it is yours." They both gaze up into the twinkling blanket of stars. "And that one on the other side of Jak's is Lilia's."

"Where's yours?"

"Mine's in America." Her name's Sam, I say under my breath.

I sigh. "Home time." We cross the road and I take Leioa off my shoulders as we walk into the house.

"Guess what Mama. We have guardian stars!" Leioa exclaims as she throws herself at her mother. "We all do. Even Uncle Luka. But his is in America." Her face turns up to me. "Where's grandpa's?"

"It's under his pillow cos he's sick and he needs it close." She nods like she understands. "Where will it go if he goes to heaven?"

"He takes it up with him and wears it round his neck."

Lei nods again and wanders over to lay her head on my leg. I smooth down her dark curls and she pats my knee.

"Is it bedtime Leioa?" I whisper. She nods and sits up.

"Will you read story?"

"Yeah, sure; which one?"

"Blippy."

"Okay. Does Lilia have to go to bed too?"

"She'll come up on 10 minutes." Cat says, kissing her baby daughter good night. Dmi kisses her too and goes back to watching wrestling on the telly with Jak sitting next to him.

Me and Leioa trek up the stairs to her bedroom and I help her put on her pyjamas, brush her teeth and comb her hair before she snuggles into the pink covered bed and lies back to listen to the story book.

"Once upon a time there was a monster called Blippy. Everyone was frightened of him but they didn't need to be because Blippy was only a baby and anyway, he was a nice monster…"

I keep reading long past she falls asleep as I remember all the times I read this story to Jas. She loved it, and so did Marko.

* * *

Sam's POV 

I lay on the huge bed that Luka bought two months ago and stare at the ceiling. It's about 8pm and I can hear Alex playing computer games in the living room, but I don't care cos it's Friday night and I'm full of ice cream. Tonight would be a good night to sort out the junk I have stored in the attic.

"Alex, I'm going to the attic." He grunts a reply and I ascend the ladder.

Our old attic used to be creepy but this one is quite light since it has a window at one end and isn't full of weird stuff.

There's a small pile of boxes labelled 'Alex and Sam" with various items such as 'clothes' and 'books'. Pulling open the top box labelled 'other stuff 94/95', I come across a whole lot of my things from when I was 14 or 15. A pair of purple flares and a badly sewn t-shirt with a unicorn on, some old books that I loved back then, pictures of my friends- Jaime, Lydia, Helena and me in my back yard, at the beach, at a fair, outside school hugging, in costumes dancing and one particular one I remember taking of the four of us lying on the field with our heads together in a ring. We're all laughing and look tanned so I guess with was in the summer. We were almost inseparable, us four. We went everywhere together, did everything together…until Steve came along.

I put the pictures in a pile next to me and reach in again, this time pulling out a small hardback note book. In pink bubble letters on the first page was the words 'Sam's Diary. KEEP OUT, JESSICA!' Then followed the start of a diary-

Hiya, my name is Samantha Louise Taggart, I'm 15 (today) and I live at 1218 primrose drive. I have one younger sister called Jessica who is 11 and a total brat, a mom called Sandra, a dad called Frank, one dog called Rex, a cat called Echo and four fish who are nameless since we can't decide on their stupid names. Fish 1, 2, 3 and 4 seem to suit them fine!

Right now, I'm lying on my bed listening to music. My room is pink with pink and white accessories like a stereo, a TV, book case and a white and pink cow print beanie bag.'

It carries on like that for pages and pages, full of what I seemed to think was useful stuff, then the pages get stiffer and I turn over to see that I've stuck in a good number of pictures. Four or five are of the gang again, one is of me, Jess and our cousin Tara on holiday (I drew devil horns on Jess's head), and then there are abut 10 or 11 of me and Steve.

The pictures are spread out over a space of a few months- my hair gets longer and lighter and his stubble gets darker- and we actually look happy in all the pictures. A lot are of him with his arm around me, hugging or kissing me, or picking me up in some way. But one catches my eye, and I remember the exact day it was taken.

We were in the park near my old house, laying on our tummy's facing each other, nose-to-nose. Steve's best friend Tim was taking the picture and suddenly I can almost smell the grass and hear the birds.

It was the 21st of August 1994, the day before I found out I was pregnant. I stare at the photo, and the one next to it of just me in the park, standing at the bottom of the slide. I scrutinise it for signs of a bump or anything but I was my usual rakish self back then.

There aren't any photos after that page, and only three more diary entries: one saying how I took a test and found out I was pregnant, one detailing how I missed my appointment at the clinic and the last one, written in thicker pen in writing sloppier but more adult than before, detailing my life as a single teenage mother to what I called 'a screaming pink brat with no hair and a huge mouth.' I tell the invisible reader about how mom keeps hassling me to breast feed, how all my baby does is cry, eat and poop and how I haven't slept in four days. I jabber on for almost nine pages before saying I must go and 'bath the baby brat' to which I must assume I either haven't decided on a name or can't come to terms with having him.

Then I remember it's the first one. I didn't name Alex until he was three weeks when mom dragged us both down to the naming place, told me to choose a name or else she would and it was done. I dread to think what she would have named my poor baby.

I put the diary to one sign and root through the box. As I dig deeper I find less of my teen stuff and more of my mom stuff-books about baby care, diaper rash, walking and other stuff I expect my mom gave me. There are tons of baby things like dummies, little toys and soft books. Alex's shoes and his first sleeper suit, 'Baby's first book' and millions of pictures of him growing up- Alex as a newborn, Alex's first tooth, Alex's first full night sleep, Alex's first hair cut. I keep them out to show him.

Getting up off the floor I realise I've been up here nearly an hour. I scramble back down the ladder and find Alex in the same position he was in when I went up there- laying on the floor chewing on popcorn, only the bowl is nearly empty now.

"Hey Alex, time for bed."

"What? Oh mom, five more minutes." He whines.

"No, come on. I wanna show you some photos." He stands up regretfully, flicks off the TV and heads to his room. I follow and sit on his bed as he changes, turning away when he moans that he's almost 11 and I'm still a girl even if I'm his mom. Finally he gets into bed and wriggles down. I lie down next to him but on my belly and show him the photos I found.

"That's you when you were…" I turn it over, "8 weeks old." He takes it off me and looks.

"I was a bit skinny."

"Yeah well we hadn't got feeding quite right. You're tubbier in this one." I hold out a photo of him when he was 11 weeks sitting on my lap at my cousin's wedding.

"Mom, you look so young."

"16…that was 3 days after my 16th birthday."

"Did you go out after I was born?" Alex turns his head towards me.

"I went out 3 times with my friends in the first year of your life. One was for my birthday, and I can't remember what the other two were for." He bites his lip and looks at the ceiling then speaks.

"Did you ever wish you never had me?"

At that, I stop smiling and lay for a second.

"There was never any way I wouldn't have you. It was scary especially when I brought you home for the first time. I hated you for about a week cos you never stopped crying and you weren't named for three weeks."

"What did you call me til then?" He says, laughing.

"It, thing, brat, the baby. I think there were more but I can't remember them now." I laugh too, "I even climbed out of my bedroom window one night when you were about 8 days old and tried to run away but Grandma caught me cos I got my foot caught in the drain pipe and you were screaming."


	7. chapter 7

**Hiya everyone, thanks for all your reviews. Sorry for the wait but I like to have at least one chapter ahead of each chapter I post. Working on 8 right now. Its looking good I think so...hope you like this one and R&R and you'll get chapter 8 even quicker than usual :D**

**Bye x-x**

* * *

Luka's POV

Tata is getting worse.

There has never been a time when I've wished I wasn't a doctor, other than today. Seeing him drawing in the rattling breaths I know he's so close to dying in my doctor's mind. In my son mind I kid myself that he could get better and come home.

Dmi had left Cat, me and the kids at the hospital while he goes off on a work related trip. I'm worried that…something will happen when he's not here and he won't be able to get back in time. After all the years he's been at Tata's side and I've been away it'll be the end that matters and as much as I despise my brother sometimes, we both should be here when the time comes.

I excuse myself to go and ring Sam. Lei follows me out and stands, hugging my leg, while I slide the coins into the pay phone and tap out the number.

"Who are you ringing Uncle Luka?"

"Sam and Alex, I'm making sure they are okay."

"Can I speak to them?" Leioa grins up at me but I think she knows something's up with her grampa.

"Maybe, we'll see." I lay a hand on her downy hair as I listen to the rings.

"Hello?" Sam's voice echoes down the lines and I smile.

"Hiya, it's me."

"I know, no one else would ring me at 6am."

"Oh no!" I gasp. "I forgot about the time difference. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I wasn't asleep- Alex has the stomach flu and has puked on four sets of bed linen. He's in the bath now and I was making tea." She laughs softly. "So, how are things your end?"

"Not so good. Dmi is off at work or something and tata is going down hill fast."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you at the hospital?"

"Yeah, the kids as well but the nurse said they're thinking of putting him on a vent if he doesn't start breathing better and seeing if he improves. But I know he won't improve."

"Have you said you don't want that?"

"I did but Dmi is holding fast and saying there's a chance. I think I'm too tired to fight, I don't want tata to…go on us fighting."

"Yeah, I suppose." Sam sighs. "Right, well Alex has just puked again so I need to go. Ring me later; I'm not going to work."

"Okay. Bye, tell Alex to get better before Christmas or I won't come home." I laugh. "I'll ring later. Bye…"

"Bye."

"…I love you." I whisper, suddenly feeling the need to tell her that.

"Love you too." She whispers back. "Now get back to your dad."

Just as I'm about to hang up Leioa tugs on my hand and smiles.

"Me!" She says. I laugh and call to Sam.

"Hey, my niece wants to speak to you. Sorry, it'll be quick." I hand the phone over but stay close so I can hear them both.

"Hello." Lei says, twisting her tongue around the English word. She can speak fairly good English but it's not perfect.

"Hello, are you Leioa?" I hear Sam say solemnly. She's always like that with kids; she takes them seriously and never laughs at them.

"Yes but it's not speak like that."

"How do you say your name?"

"Lay-oh-ah." Lei sounds it out slowly and then giggles.

"Pretty."

"Do you want Uncle Luka again?"

"Yes please. Bye-bye."

"Bubye Sam."

"She loves new people." I say, laughing. Sam laughs too and then we finally hang up.

"Come on then nugget." I guide Lei back into the room and pull her onto my lap.

Suddenly the machines around tata begin to beep. Two nurses and a doctor rush in and ask us to step back.

"Luka, what's wrong?" Cat grabs my arm.

"His oxygen levels in his blood are too low."

"What are they going to do? He can't die yet- Dmitri would want to be here."

"I know."

The doctor turns to us as she hears us and she's holding an intubation kit.

"Dr Kovac, Mrs Kovac- we need to put your father on a ventilator to keep him breathing. It's the only way we can keep his airways open. There is a chance it could give him the time to recover but there is a risk that he may become dependant on the ventilator and never come off it. In the end, it's your choice for what's best for your father."

"Vent him." I say, knowing Dmi would never forgive me if tata died without him there. The doctor nods and begins to intubate. Lilia starts to cry and Leioa joins her.

"I'll take them outside, stay here." I say, taking both the girls hands and leading them out. Jak follows us with his head down.

"Look guys, granddad is really sick. They had to put a tube in his throat so he could breathe but you need to know that he might die. But if he does, do you remember where he goes?"

"He goes up to heaven with his star." Leioa says sadly. "But does he have to go? I want him here."

"Sorry sweetie, God needs him to take care of the angels. But he'll be much happier up there than down here because when you go to heaven you don't get sick."

"So he won't miss us?" Lilia asks.

"Oh, he will miss us. He'll wish everyday that he's here with you but he knows that someday, in lots of years you'll be there with him."

"When we are old."

"Yeah, exactly." I hug them both. "Are you okay Jak?"

"Yeah, I just don't like seeing him like that."

"No one does. Why don't we go and see if your mom will take you all home. It's dinner time."

We trundle back in and I tell Cat to go home and have a nap. After some 'discussion' she agrees and I stay at the hospital. Tata stays asleep the whole time but I sit next to him and talk. I even recite a poem I remember from when I was ten.

_When we were young we chased the sun_

_We watched as rivers flowed_

_We lost ourselves in fields of rye_

_We laughed as cattle lowed _

_Time has flown around our heads_

_We let it whisper past_

_But now we wish it back again_

_We let it go too fast_

He moves his hand once and though I try to trick myself into thinking he's there I know in my heart its just muscle spasms.

After a good three hours I let myself have a break to go and get some food and stretch my legs. Nothing will happen in ten minutes.

* * *

Hope you like the poem, I wrote it myself. I know, its really bad but I've got much better. they just didnt fit :( 


	8. chapter 8

Sam POV

"Alex, can I come in?" He groans something that might or might not be 'yes'. I go in anyway.

"Hey soldier, how you feeling?"

"Hungry."

"Well you can have some dry toast in about an hour, okay?" He nods and I smooth down his fringe so it goes in his eyes. "Luka's dad isn't very well."

"Yeah, that's why he had to leave wasn't it?" I nod.

"I gotta warn you kiddo; if Mr Kovac dies I don't know if Luka will come home for Christmas."

"Oh," He pouts. "Okay."

"But I was thinking-how about we go to Gramma's." Alex thinks then nods. I smiled and kiss his forehead.

"Now sleep and I'll bring you some toast in a little while.

Luka POV

I can hear the machine as I'm walking down the corridor clutching my foam cup. It increases in volume as I near tata's room and my stomach drops. A nurse comes out and spots me.

"Dr Kovac. Your father has a collapsed lung due to a broken rib. There is also a chance of…internal bleeding."

"H-h-how did this happen?" I stammer.

"We don't know. Maybe he moved around on the bed and banged himself." The nurse shrugs. "We're doing all we can but I suggest you ring your family." I nod and rush to the phones.

"Dmi, come now. Tata has a collapsed lung and internal bleeding." I almost yell as his cell phone crackles.

"Okay." He hangs up and I dial the home phone. Cat picks up and I repeat myself. We both hang up and I wait, clutching my foam cup full of cold coffee.

I daren't even look into tata's room, I'm too scared. In all my years in the ER I am too scared to look as my own father lays dying on the cold gurney.

Sam's POV 

28th November

"Mom, can I have some toast."

"Mom, can I have some juice?"

"Mom can I have a blanket?"

"Mom, can you open the window?"

I sit on the sofa and sigh. In the last two hours I have been up and down the stairs a million times to Alex's room. Finally he's asleep and will hopefully stay that way for a while.

My stomach rumbles and reminds me I haven't had any breakfast or lunch (food isn't appetising when you've seen your son vomit cheerio's onto the bathroom floor.) I quickly throw together a PBJ sandwich and slump on the couch watching daytime TV. I haven't heard from Luka about his dad but if everything's fine he's probably sleeping. His niece sounded a sweetie; her English was surprisingly good for a four-year-old.

When I wake up the TV is still on but showing some cartoon movie for kids. I check on Alex who is mercifully still asleep and then ring Luka.

"He's not here Sam, and I'm worried. I called over an hour ago, it should take them no longer than twenty minutes to get here and it's been an hour. What if something's happened?"

"Luka, calm down. There's probably heavy traffic or something…anything!" Her voice soothes me a little, of course there's nothing to worry about.

"Sorry. How's Alex?"

"Asleep finally, thank the lord. He was worn out." She sighs. "Well, I'll let you go now. I bet you Dmi is coming in the doors right now."

"Thanks Sam, I'll ring later."

I walk down to the entrance way and watch two rigs pull up with their lights flashing. The doors fly open and…

"Dr Kovac, there's been a bit of news." A nurse approaches me.

"What is it?"

"Your family's been in an accident." The nurse bites her lip then continues, "I'm so sorry but your brother…died at the scene."

"What happened?" I allow myself to be guided to the waiting area and sat down.

"Your brother, sister-in-law and your nieces and nephew were in the car when it was hit side on by a lorry. Dmitri sustained such severe head injuries he died almost instantly when the lorry hit. He didn't suffer."

"And the others?" I whisper, my heart racing. I can't comprehend it.

"Catriona and the children are being brought in." she looks up at the doors. "This is them." She moves out and opens the rig doors but I can't move, I can't think. Dmi is dead, my big brother is gone.

The first gurney rolls past and I hear crying. Lilia whimpers and the doctor comforts her, but she doesn't know yet. The second and third roll past and I make out Jay and Cat strapped down, both with collars on and grazes on the skin I can see.

Finally Leioa is pushed past but she isn't making any noise. She isn't moving and I notice she's being bagged.

Sam

28th November

"I don't know Kerry; it's all a bit tense over there…I rang him about half an hour ago and his dad was going downhill…no, I have no idea when he'll be home." I rub my forehead, knowing something isn't right. "Okay, I'll be in tomorrow. Bye." I hang up but I still have the feeling that something is happening and I can't shake it off.

"Alex, are you okay?"

"Yeah mom, I'm just reading…are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Do you want some toast?" I get up and walk into his room where he's curled up on one side in his nest of quilts reading a comic. He turns over to look at me and nods.

"Please. And some juice." I nod and quickly feel his forehead.

"Are you feeling better?" He nods again and rubs the end of his nose with his fist. "Good. I'll bring the toast and juice in a second."

"How's Luka's dad?"

"Sick. He's dying. Luka's obviously very upset but he can't get hold of his brother. I'm sure it's all okay now though."

"Uncle Luka!" Lilia screams when she spots me standing at the door. The doctor motions me in.

"Hey Lil, shush now. The doctors need to patch you up then you'll be fine. It doesn't hurt, does it?" she shakes her head, free from the next collar. From all four of them, she's the least hurt. Apparently she was in the middle so she was cushioned from both blows: the lorry and then the other car. She has some deep cuts and a fractured wrist.

Leioa was on the nearest side to the lorry. She broke her right arm, right leg, 4 ribs and has some severe head and facial lacerations from the glass. Jak was on the left hand side, he has broken ribs, broken left wrist and elbow and cuts including a deep one on his thigh. They're still getting the glass from inside it.

Cat's heart stopped beating 24 minutes ago and they're still doing compressions. There is little hope for her because she didn't have her belt on. She was only turning round to check on the children and now she has severe spinal cord damage, fractured skull, 7 broken ribs, broken nose, and shattered tib/fib.

Watching through the door that joins the two rooms I see them slowly stop compressions. I watch as they check the monitors and then switch them off, look at each other grimly. They all know she has three kids in here.

One of the doctors looks round and sees me looking at him and he comes through.

"I'm so sorry but there was nothing more we could do." Tears prickle the back of my eyes as I look down at Lilia, who looks back up then starts to cry.

"Mommy? Where's my mommy? I want mommy, please Uncle Luka, I want mommy. Daddy?" She sits up but the doctor is only half way through casting her wrist. I raise my eyebrows at him, asking silently if she can sit on my lap while he does the other half. He nods so I gently move her into my arms.

"Lilia, you've got to listen to me carefully okay?" She nods, "In the accident, your daddy was really badly hurt and he…your daddy died. He's gone to the angels."

"With Grampa?" She says, sniffing.

"Yes, with Grampa." I smooth down her hair, realising she doesn't fully understand. "Lil, when you all got hit by the lorry mommy wasn't wearing a belt and she got really badly hurt as well. The doctors thought they could fix her like they fixed you but she's was too sick. Her heart stopped beating when they were fixing her and they couldn't make it beat again."

"So mommy is an angel too?"

"Well yes, but Lilia you've got to understand that your mommy and daddy aren't going to be here anymore."

"Are they at home?"

"No sweetie, they are in heaven. That means that they live in the sky now, and they can't come down and see you or Leioa and Jakob."

"Ever?" she whispers.

"Ever. I'm sorry sweetie." Lilia looks up at me and shakes her head. Softly I kiss her forehead and she starts crying, and I know she understands now. Suddenly I'm angry with everyone; the doctors for giving up, that damn lorry driver who ran a red light, Dmi for going home to get them first and driving down the new road instead of the old one, God for taking these kid's parents and leaving them alone. Everyone.

The doctor finishes her wrist and looks at me.

"Thanks. Can I take her to see her brother now?"

"Yes. Don't let her get it wet…"

"Yeah, I know. I'll make sure she does everything right." I wipe my eyes and carry Lilia, still crying, into Jak's room. Immediately he sees her and looks at me, scared of what I'm about to say.

He knows straight away that they're gone. He saw his father lying dead in the car, saw his mother's fear when he asked if she could move her feet, saw the blood on everyone. His pain is mixed with relief as I tell him his sisters are okay. Leaving Lilia with him for a second I go into Lei's room to see if she's up for visitors. The nurse seems to think she is and even removes the tube when Lei starts to trigger the vent. I wheel Jak into the room in a wheelchair which he has to stay in for a while. Lilia clings to him, just silently watching people move around.

When I tell Lei she doesn't fully understand it all but she can see how upset we all are and she knows it's something serious.

"Where are we going to live?" Jak asks quietly, stroking his sister's cheek.

"With me." I say, thinking on the spot. There's nowhere else for them to go.

"In America?" Lei whispers, her throat still sore from the tube and I nod.

"You'll like it, I'm sure. Sam's there and she'll adore you all, her son Alex is 12 so you'll have someone to play ball with Jakob. I promise you all that there is no way I am leaving Croatia without you."

Later that night, after the girls have fallen asleep on adjacent gurneys and Jak and I settle on the cots they set up in the private room, one of the nurses comes to tell me tata died at 2.43pm: the exact time that the lorry hit Dmi's car. They went together.


	9. chapter 9

22rd December

Sam's POV

I thread the tinsel round the tree for the fourth time, and for the fifth time it falls off. I give up.

Luka isn't coming home because although Jakob and Leioa's passports are valid, Lilia's got lost somewhere. It's weird to think that when they arrive, these kids aren't going to know very much English. I'm worried for them, starting in a new country after such a big loss. Luka says they're excited but I'm not sure they'll be so excited once they come to leave.

Alex was gutted that Luka wasn't going to be here but he understands the situation. He even cried a little when I told him; he spoke to Cat once when she rang for Luka and he liked her.

Luka's been out there nearly 6 weeks now and it's been really weird. His scent isn't on the pillows anymore; his aftershave is different from the bottle instead of on him.

I have a little surprise for Luka when he finally gets home too.

"Mom, can I have a cookie?"

"Just one, can you come and help me do this tinsel?" He grabs a cookie and trudges over. Finally we fix it so the tinsel stays up and I smile. The lights are twinkling in the window and all around the room and even Alex has to smile as the snow starts.

The doorbell rings and I open the door. Susan stands grinning on the other side, holding Cosmo with Chuck just behind.

"Hiya!" She says, coming in as I hold open the door. I take all their coats and get them some drinks. The bell goes again and Alex gets it, letting Abby in, then Carter, Neela, Michael and finally Greg. Luckily the living room has recently been moved around so there is more space in the middle and I waltz around and chat with everyone. I'm so glad I arranged this 'party' because it takes my mind off Luka… until someone mentions him again.

Alex spends quite a while entertaining Cosmo with lego and wrapping paper until the baby falls asleep and I feel really proud of him.

Slowly people excuse themselves until it's just me and Abby left. We both sip our orange juice and sit down for a girly chat. Alex says goodnight and disappears into his room, comes out to tell me he's had his insulin then goes back in.

"Is he mad Luka isn't home for Christmas?" Abby asks

"Sort of- to begin with he was but then I explained everything about Mr Kovac and Dmitri and Cat, so he understood and he wasn't so annoyed." Abby nods. "It's hard though, I mean, we both promised him Luka would spend this Christmas here and Alex was so excited."

We carry on chatting for a while before Abby looks at her watch and squeaks.

"12.03! I'm so sorry Sam, I best be off."

"Have a nice Christmas…"

"…Working." She says, smiling. She hugs me and we say goodbye. Sleepily I get ready for bed and finally flop under the covers.

23th December

"Oh, oh Mom! It's Christmas Eve tomorrow!" Alex bounces into the room and throws himself onto the bed.

I laugh and ruffle his hair, yawning.

We get up slowly, I have a bath and Alex makes pancakes. We briefly go out for rubber gloves and butter but we mostly stay indoors, watching bad telly and eating. Alex beats me at playstation six times and says I'm a sore loser, I make him watch the first 20 minutes of 'Sound of music' and he hides under the sofa. When the door bell rings for the first time today, I have a tea towel on my head and Alex is brandishing a soup ladle, ready for war.

"Al, hold on a sec." I pull the tea towel off and open the door whilst throwing it into the kitchen. When I turn round I can only squeak.

Luka smiles softly and leans on the doorpost.

"Hi." He says simply. I squeak again, then cough and break into a grin. I throw my arms round his neck and he lifts me off the floor in a hug I've been dreaming of for 6 weeks. I bury my nose in his neck and breathe in his scent, crazily aware of arms round my waist, his cheek on mine.

"Sorry I didn't call, I wanted to surprise you." He says, placing me on the floor again, but keeping hold of my hand. I draw him through the door and smile.

"Well you managed that." I look him up and down and notice he's changed. His face looks different, sadder and his hair is longer and scruffier than usual.

"This is Jakob…" A tall, lean boy steps into the apartment looking nervous. "Jak, this is Sam." He holds out a hand and I smile and shake it.

"Hey Alex, come meet Jakob." Al appears and sidles up to everyone. He grins at Luka and high fives him then high fives Jakob and without a second thought or any communication pulls him into the living room.

"…This is Lilia…" a solemn little girl smiles and pushes her hair out her eyes. I squat down and smile at her.

"Hiya, I'm Sam. Does your hair annoy you?" Lilia nods. "I'll cut you a fringe later."

"Will you cut me a fringe?" a lighter haired girl comes over and leans on my knee.

"Sure I will. Are you Leioa?" She nods. "I spoke to you on the phone didn't I?" She nods again.

"They've had some English lessons when they found out about coming over here." Luka says pulling in the bags from outside and shutting the door. Lilia quickly grabs a large purple Barbie suitcase and clings to it. Luka says something in Croatian but stops half way.

"Sorry, I have to try and speak English with them. Lilia, I need to put the suitcase away."

"No, mine."

"Lilia!"

"No!" she begins to scream and Leioa looks at me and starts to cry. I pick Leioa up and put her on the sofa then pick up Lilia and carry her and put her on the sofa too. Sitting down I put an arm round each of the girls and start telling a story about two princesses in a castle. I know they probably don't understand over half the words but they both stop crying and shortly, they fall asleep.

"Thanks Sam. I think they're sick of me now, the flight wasn't without its hitches and I'm so tired I kept snapping."

"No problem. They're all tired too, they're in a new country and now they're living in a new house. It's bound to be a bit tough for a while."

"I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to move out, I mean…with the 3 of them suddenly…" I stand up gently and put a finger on his lips.

"Shush, now of course I'm not moving out. I have a kid of my own, I can handle noise and tantrums and stuff. Anyway, these kids need a stable home to settle in to. So, I'll put these two in the spare room and show Jakob where his bed is." I reach up and plant a kiss on his lips, realising I hadn't kissed him hello until then. He returns the kiss and we only stop when Jak makes gagging noises. I laugh and kiss Luka one more time before gently picking up Lilia. She wriggles then sighs and falls back asleep, as I carry her to the newly decorated 'girls' room.

"Wow, Sam. You painted!" Luka appears behind me, holding Leioa, who is now awake. She watches me as her thumb moves to her mouth, waiting for me to berate her but I just smile.

"Yeah, I thought the girls deserved a pretty room after the move." I lower Lilia onto the little white bed and try to wake her up gently so she can get into her pyjamas. Once she's in the flannel sleep suit I pull the daisy print duvet up to her chin and after a second of thought, place a tiny kiss on her forehead. She smiles sleepily and closes her eyes and I admire the way her eyelashes lay so delicately on her cheeks.

Leioa trails over to me, naked apart from a pair of pants.

"Uncle Luka has cold hands." She says simply. I laugh quietly and pull her onto my lap, making sure my hands are warm. She is easier to change because she's awake and I repeat my actions once she's in her sleep suit. When I bend to kiss her she sleepily reaches up and pats my cheek.

"Pretty." She whispers and settles into sleep.

"Yes, Sammy's gorgeous isn't she?" Luka says, wrapping his arms round my waist. I swat at him gently and he lays his chin on my shoulder.

"They seem so…normal. I wouldn't have guessed all these things had happened to them."

"You should have seen them these last few weeks. Jak had nightmares every night, he couldn't go to school. He said he felt guilty he'd survived. I knew what he meant and it was horrible. These two are maybe a little young to totally understand- Leioa still asks for her mama sometimes, and Lilia asks why she can hear her mama singing but whenever she tries to hug her, she's not there." I cover my mouth with my hand.

"That's so sad." He nods.

"But, last night was the second night they've slept straight through."

"So you think they're…coming to terms with it?"

"Yes. They'll never forget them- I have to make sure they don't. The girls especially, they're so young it would be easy for them to forget what Cat and Dmi looked like, and if that happened I couldn't forgive myself." He sounds the most serious I've ever heard him speak and I remember he has lost them too.

"Are _you_ okay?" He doesn't answer and I turn round in his embrace. "Luka, please talk to me." He takes a deep breath and speaks.

"I went over there knowing my father was dying, I had come to terms with that quickly. I watched him deteriorate but my sadness was tinged with pity for his suffering. When I heard they'd been in a crash I was…shocked, scared-every possible scenario ran through my head. But I didn't once expect to be told my brother had died and the rest of them were in possible danger." He shook his head. "It was horrible. I prayed for the first time in eight years, pleaded with whoever lives _up there_ to save them. Then I got the news Cat was gone and my father had passed with no-one by his side and I felt like I had let them all down. Cat, for never telling her what she meant to me, my tata for not being there when he died like I promised, and these kids for leaving them without parents."

"It wasn't your fault."

"It felt like it was though."

"Luka, listen to me. You've saved these kids-you could have left them there with Cat's parents. But you didn't. You brought them to a home with a loving Uncle, you kept them together as brother and sisters." I hold his face in my hands. "You gave them a life over here."

He drops his head and I kiss his forehead softly.

"Now come on, let's leave them to sleep." Luka nods and follows me out of the room. The boys are still hooked up to the playstation so we leave them for a while; it is Christmas Eve after all. Luka makes us both a hot chocolate and we sit on the sofa, just watching each other and the boys playing the game til they practically fall asleep still zapping zombies and I settle them into bed. Jakob seems to like his new bed and even hugs me a little for letting him live here. I just laugh and ruffle his dark hair but I'm touched.

"They're all fast asleep. I checked the girls again and they're fine."

"Good. Oh Sam, it's so good to see you." I walk over and wrap my arms around his neck. He pulls me into his lap and lowers his lips to mine as a shiver runs up my spine. His hands start their tour of my body as I run my fingers through his hair and absorb everything I missed about him- his smell, the feel of his lips, the sexy stubble and the shape of his jaw. I missed everything that makes him mine.

Gently he stands and carries me into our bedroom. Laying me on the bed he lays down next to me, kissing and teasing and removing items of clothes.

Afterwards, as we lie tangled up in the sheets I bury my head in his chest and listen to his heart. He glides a thumb up and down my spine while the other one is around my waist. I move so there are no gaps between us, we are moulded together skin-to-skin.

"You're beautiful." He murmurs sleepily.

"Shut up." I whisper, giggling.

"You are. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too. This house is creepy when you're alone."

"I know- I've lived here _alone_ for 3 years." He laughs so lightly I only hear it through his chest. "But I never want to spend another day here alone."

"Sorry to break it to ya, but I do have to go to work. You might be alone for a few hours sometimes."

"I think I can handle that." He kisses the top of my head and sighs. "Can I go to sleep now?"

"Yeah, go for it. See you in the morning." Within minutes his breathing is settled and he's asleep. I snuggle into him and pull up the cover, feeling the chill in the air suddenly.

I'll tell him tomorrow.


	10. chapter 10

25th December 

"Luka, wake up."

"Ehh?"

"It's Christmas morning."

"Great. Can I go back to sleep?"

"No you can't." I poke him gently in the chest and he swats my hand away. "Come oooon!" I whine.

"Who's the kid here?" He says with a sigh. "Actually, where are they?"

"Probably unwrapping the presents cos the grumpy old man wouldn't wake up."

"Hey, you promised not to gloat that you've only just hit 30."

"I'm sorry." I kiss his sleepy lips and he smiles and finally opens his eyes.

"Now come on, kiddie time." I bound out of bed and throw on my dressing gown. Luka stands up and yawns, then stretches.

I poke my head into the boys' room and they rub their eyes sleepily.

"Wanna open some presents?" They charge past me into the living room and start sorting the parcels into piles.

Waking the girls is easier; I think they were listening because they throw themselves onto me the minute the door is opened.

"Good morning you two."

"Hello." Leioa answers simply, looking up at me. Lilia pads over slowly and takes her sister's hand. Whispering something in her ear in Croatian, they both turn round and grin cheekily.

"Merry Chistmouse." They chorus and I can't help but grin.

"Merry Christmas girls." I take each of their hands and we all walk into the living room. Luckily I bought them all presents to give them when they got here so they all have a pile to devour. While all four kids fall on their gifts, Luka and I relax on the sofa with smiles on our faces. It's so nice to see them act like children instead of little adults- although I have to break up a little squabble over Barbies and Luka has to take away Alex's light sabre for fear of Jak losing an eye. But all in all, the presents go down well.

I allow Luka some time on the X-box with Jak and Alex while I go to start cooking the turkey. Lilia and Leioa decide watching me is more fun than watching the boys so they traipse in and I set them the task of making everyone a dinner mat with their name on it, reckoning it will occupy them for a while so I can cut up the veggies without fearing one of them will pull down the knife when my back is turned. It's strange having to start thinking like that again, but also strangely nice.

I was worried when they all arrived that they would think I was trying to take over the role of 'mom'. I understood that they didn't need a replacement mother, but someone to help look after them a little. But it seems to be okay-the girls were instantly attached to me, and I'm guessing it's because I'm female. Jak was wary at first but he seems happier today. I really hope it stays that way.


	11. chapter 11

I must have fallen asleep because when I open my eyes I'm lying on the sofa under the thick red blanket.

"Luka?" I call quietly. His head appears from the kitchen and he grins.

"You're awake. Alex said you've been sleepy recently."

"Yeah, I thought I had the flu. I got Abby to check me out-I had an ear infection."

"And it cleared up?"

"Yeah, about 3 weeks ago."

"And you're still tired." He leans on the back of the sofa and looks down at me. I nod and then giggle, realising he's a doctor-he's not dumb.

"So…it's possible…"

"It's probable that…"

"You think you're…"

"I am almost certain…"

"Have you…"

"I bought a test yesterday." He just raises an eyebrow. "Well, it's a pretty major thing. I didn't want to…do it alone."

"You're not alone now."

"Yeah, but the kids…"

"They're playing games."

"…and the dinner,"

"Is cooking nicely and will be for another hour."

"So…we can…you know…" He smiles and points to the bathroom. I giggle again as he helps me stand up. With shaky legs I go in and pull out the precious little box. I don't need instructions but I read them just in case then…do what I need to do.

"How long?"

"3 minutes." I say then open the door. Luka leans against the door frame, still smiling slightly.

"Are you happy?"

"More than I've ever been." He says sincerely. I reach up and kiss him softly, leaning into his broad chest and inhaling him, drawing his presence into my body like a rush of warm air, absorbing him.

Suddenly I hear a shriek then a bang. Throwing the white stick down I run towards the living room, looking around for the kids. They're nowhere to be seen and I start to panic.

"Lilia? Leioa? Jak? Alex?" I call, looking into the rooms. When I get to my bedroom I see three children crowded round the bed and I can hear the fourth.

"What happened?" Lilia sits up from the bed and pouts at me. A large red mark is appearing on her right temple and a trickle of blood is collecting in her eyebrow.

"What happened?" I ask again, softer. Leioa looks up at me, fearful but I lay a hand on her head gently and reach for Lilia.

"Ouch." She whispers. "I was looking for a book and the shelf falled down." I notice the books scattered on the floor by the bookcase.

"Hey, if you wanted a book you should have asked. I would have got you one, and then read you it."

"You were peeing." Leioa says, hugging my leg. I laugh then glance up at Luka, who appears to be watching the scene unfold without helping.

"Come on then, let's clean you up." I say and lift Lilia onto my hip then carry her into the bathroom, kicking the test towards Luka who follows me in.

I quickly clean Lilia's head and stick a band-aid on the little cut. Once I set her back on the floor she grabs her sister's hand and drags her back to the television.

"Well?" I look at Luka. He nods simply then scoops me up in a hug. All at once the fear that gripped my chest from the moment the thought wriggled its way into my mind 2 weeks ago disappears. Luka laughs into my neck and kisses me.

"We're having a baby." I squeak.

"I love you. Thank you."

"Hey, it wasn't just me." I dip my head to plant a kiss on his tender lips. "And I love you more."


	12. Chapter 12

_Luka_

I lie in bed with both arms curled round Sam, holding her little frame to me. The kids fell asleep relatively early, full of sweets and turkey. Lilia and Leioa insisted they wear their new sleep suits, even though they only put on clean the night before. But they're happy and that's what's important. Jak was quiet yesterday, and he said he felt guilty about being so happy even though he knows that's what they want. I understand what he meant, and so we spent half an hour looking through some albums and remembering Christmases before now. I think it made him feel better to talk about them with someone.

Sam is doing a great job with the girls, keeping them entertained and speaking English. They're already doing great just from being here, now we won't let them speak Croatian. Jak is struggling more, being older, but Alex is helping him a lot.

It's strange the difference in Alex since they came. He is clingier with his mom but he also seems to be happy to 'share' her more, and he'll go off and play PS2 with Jak.

We decided not to tell the kids about the baby until after the scan, although I think Alex knows already.

Sam snuffles and rolls onto her back. I sigh and lay my arm across her, tracing little circles across her abdomen. After awhile she swats at my hand, then laughs and rolls away from me. I follow her across the bed and continue my tickling until she's right on the edge and I stop then pull her backwards.

As my lips dive to hers, she smiles but doesn't speak. She locks her arms around my neck and twirls the lock of hair at the back round her finger. I kiss her deeper and she quickly rolls me over she's lying on me chest. Breaking the embrace she straddles my hips and quickly pulls off her strap top then lowers to kiss me again. I slide my hands down her sides and pull at the tie on her trousers until it comes loose and I remove them. Gently I roll us both over and she runs her fingers down my sides, eliciting a shiver of pleasure from me, and then quickly pulls off my boxer-briefs.

I hold her gently, delicately, as we move together and words bubble over my lips. "You're beautiful…volim te…I love you…marry me." My passion deepens as she calls my name into my shoulder and we finish together. I nuzzle her neck and shower her with kisses as she smiles and twirls my hair again. I move and hold her in my arms again as I stroke her cheek and wonder inside how I found someone so perfect in every possible way.

"I meant that you know." I say, into her hair.

"Meant what?"

"I want you to marry me." She turns her head to look up at me. "Will you…marry me?" She pulls back from my arms and my heart stops beating. Her face is still flushed as she looks me in the eyes, then in an instant, beams that smile that brings the corners of my mouth twitching upwards. I raise an eyebrow and she laughs.

"Of course I will." She kisses me with a gentle passion and she says into my lips. "Did you really think I would say no?"

"I don't like to presume."

"I hope it isn't a shot gun wedding." I look at her blankly and she laughs again.

"I forget you don't know sayings. A shot gun wedding is where two people get married because the girl is pregnant."

"Oh, but you didn't marry Steve."

"No, it was tradition years ago but it doesn't happen much now." I smile. "Don't worry."

"Well you learn something new everyday."

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

Hope you like it :D

* * *

"How far along…"

"About 8 or 9 weeks." She replies sleepily as she lies, half asleep on my lap. I absent-mindedly twirl a loose curl round my finger and she yawns.

"When did you start to wonder?"

"Well about 3 weeks ago, when I should have been feeling better after the ear infection and wasn't, I started thinking. I know I said there was no way but I forgot your going-away present. We weren't as careful as usual." I laugh softly.

"But it was worth it."

"Sure was." She murmurs into my knee. I laugh again and continue twirling her hair until I hear her breathing settle out into deep soothing breaths, then I scoop her up and carry her into the bedroom.

"Night-night my Anðeo." I whisper as I kiss her cheek then retreat to the sitting room

--------------------

"…My Anðeo." I stir as he kisses me then leave. I want to reach out for him but I'm so tired. I fall back asleep but wake up when he finally comes to bed.

"Anðeo?" I ask, my voice sleep laden. He leans into me so his lips brush my ear and whispers.

"Angel." I shiver as the word slivers down my spine. "That's what you looked like, your hair was all around your head and you had a half-smile on your face. You looked like an angel."

"Your angel." He kisses my forehead and wraps his arms around me.

"Yes, my perfect little angel."

"Hey, less of the little." I joke, then settle into his embrace and drift off feeling him breathing into my hair.

--------------

I wake up to find my arms empty and some peculiar noises being emitted from the bathroom and sitting room. I check out the bathroom first and find Sam retching into the toilet bowl.

"It's started then?" She nods then retches again. "If it's any constellation…"

"Consolation, I think the word is consolation."

"Oops, so if it's any consolation, I feel bad for…participating in making of the child who is now making you vomit."

"Don't worry; I had it worse with Alex." She semi-smiles then dives back to the toilet.

"I'll leave you to get on with the…throwing up." I rub her back and walk to the living room. Before I can see anyone, I hear a small voice squeal.

"You do that noise, and then I'll do this one."

"Lilia, I'm bored."

"Shush Lei, I want to play this!" As I walk further in, I see Lilia's head sticking out from under the coffee holding a Barbie doll and a smurf puppet, and Leioa peeping from behind the TV set clinging to Po bear and a large unicorn toy.

"Anyone want breakfast?" I call, laughing as the two girls slither from their hiding places and attach themselves to my ankles. Alex springs from his bedroom and Jak runs out of the bathroom, wiping his hands on his pyjama bottoms.

As I put the last plate on the table- piled high with toast, pancakes, juice, cereal and milk- Sam emerges from the bathroom, dressed and looking rather more alert than 20 minutes ago.

As the boys squabble over the best pancake topping (syrup or jam) and the girls practice their juice pouring, Sam tell me she wants to tell them about the baby. Today, or rather, right now.

"Erm, Alex, Jak, Lilia, Leioa- listen up." I start.

"Well, we've go something to tell you." Sam says…

* * *

"A BABY?" Alex says, his jaw nearly hitting the floor. The girls rush over and climb onto my lap and Jak smiles, but Alex just sits there. Handing the girls to Luka, I squat down next to him.

"Look Alex, I know there have been a lot of changes around here recently, but it doesn't mean anything's changed with you and me."

"Yes it does, it means that you're gonna have even less time for me." He pouts and moves to walk away but I grab his arms and keep him still.

"I won't lie, I won't have as much time to spend with you for the first few weeks but after that I'll spend the same amount of time with you, I'll still take you to the park and shopping and everything. Just think, you'll be a big brother."

"It's still not going to be the same." He frowns and pulls away from me, disappearing into his room.

"Leave him Sam, it's a shock. Let him come to terms with everything that's happened in the last few days-it's a lot for any body, let alone an only child who's had his mother there every day for ten years. Suddenly not only is there three extra kids living in the house, taking up your time, there's gonna be a baby too."

I nod and swipe at a stray tear. My poor baby, he's been through a lot.

"Mom, I'm sorry for how I reacted." he creeps into the darkened sitting room and stands by the chair in the corner. I open my arms and he flops into them.  
"I promise to spend as much time as I can with you. Luka made me realise how much you've dealt with this last few days, and how mature you've been. I'm proud of you." I kiss his head and he lays his head on my chest. And that's how Luka finds us when he crawls in at 2am from work.


	14. Chapter 14

**_7th January_**

"Sam I was thinking."

"Yeah..." She said, looking between me and the TV as we sat watching Fear factor.

"Well…I've been thinking a lot…"

"I get the fact you've been thinking Luka." She chuckles.

"Well, if you think it's a good idea- I want to adopt the kids."

"Oh wow, that's amazing. I know the girls will be ecstatic but do you think Jak will be happy?"

"I think so; we got quite close when I was out there." He twists his thick silver ring. "And I meant all the kids- Leioa, Lilia, Jak and Alex."

"You want to adopt Alex?" She turns round to look at me and I nod.

"I want us to be a family, a proper family with the same surname."

"Surnames don't make a family. But, I think it's a great idea." Sam gets up from the sofa and comes over to me. "I want us to be a family too."

"We're going to be complete." I say, laying my hand on her flat stomach, imagining a tiny baby growing in there.

"In 6 months, that reminds me- I have a scan on Tuesday."

"What time?" I mumble into her hair, kissing along her collar bone. She chuckles and rolls her head back.

"2pm. Are you working?"

"Yeah, but I'll take a break." I continue my assault of her neck until we hear a quiet whimpering. Sam sits up and looks over the top of the sofa.

"Lil?"

"Sammy, I had a 'mare." She pads over to us and scrambles onto our laps. "Can I watch Scooby Doo?"

"Ten minutes, then I'll come and read you a story." Sam slips in the video and presses play, then returns to my side and hugs Lilia to her chest. Within 5 minutes, they're both asleep.

"Come on you two." I turn off the TV, carry Lil back to bed and tuck her in, then go back for Sam.

* * *

**_8th January_**

Luka rubs his hair with a towel and grins at me, sitting on the floor looking pale.

"Don't smile, I'm in pain."

"Pain?" His smile drops.

"My throat hurts. From the puking- no need to worry."

"Oh, okay." He kisses the top of my head and starts running a bath.

"Luka, I hate to break it to you, but you've just had a shower."

"It's for you."

"But…"

"No buts, I'll make breakfast. You relax."

"Well the boys and Lilia's lunches are in the fridge. Lil's is the pink one."

"I know- I picked it."

"And call me when they're leaving-I want to say goodbye."

"Ok."

"And can you give Lei some juice and put on cartoons…"

"Sam, shush. I know what to do." I smile and slip into the water. I must have drifted off because almost immediately Luka is calling to say the boys are leaving. I scramble out of the tub and throw on a jumper and some sweatpants.

"Bye Jak, have fun. Be good-don't let him drag you down." I nod at Alex and smile. Jak laughs and punches Alex on the arm.

"Al, have fun. Don't cause too much trouble-I don't want to have to come up to school on your first day back." He nods and hugs me.

"Bye Mom, bye Luka."

"Bye Sam, bye Uncle Luka." They rush off down the steps laughing, Alex with his skate board and Jak with a pair of blades he picked up from the guy across the hall.

"Right, I'll take Lil to kindergarten and go straight to work. I finish at 2."

"That's perfect. My shift starts at 12 so I'll take Lei to day care and you can pick her up when you leave."

"Bye Lil, have fun!" She grins and hugs me then goes to open the door.

Luka bends down and kisses me then shoos Lilia out the door, and I persuade Leioa to stop watching cartoons and have a wash. Then we both get dressed and go to the supermarket for some groceries.

"Okay, Lei come here. I don't want to lose you." She runs over and holds my hand while we sail down the aisles. "Right, your challenge is to find me some bread." She loves the grocery game, and she's getting better at finding the right stuff.

Suddenly I hear a loud thud and a cry. I rush round the corner and see Lei on the floor, crying.

"Hey, what happened?" I ask as I scoop her up.

"I fell over my lace." She snuffles and burrows into my neck.

"Oh, sweetie. You got my bread though." She nods and smiles a little. "Did you cut yourself?"

"No, I just splatted."

"Phew, no broken bones then!" I say melodramatically then laugh. I arrange her on my hip and we carry on shopping.

"Erm, you're Samantha Taggart aren't you?" A lady comes over, smiling.

"Yeah…"

"Oh, I'm Julia Powell- Jake's mother."

"Oh Hiya."

"I didn't know Alex had a sister." Mrs Powell smiles at Leioa who smiles back weakly.

"Oh…she's…erm, this is Leioa Kovac. She's my fiancé's niece but our soon-to-be-adopted daughter."

"Oh, wow. Is she…"

"Croatian." I answer, jiggling her around a bit to get comfortable.

"That's super. Well, I won't keep you. Take care." She scurries off and I shake my head. All the mothers at that school think I'm some sort of weirdo.

* * *


	15. Chapter 15

_**12th January.**_

I like I have a broken kneecap. Why, you ask? Because my soon-to-be sister is 6 today and thought it would be super fun to jump on me so I could join in her sadistic screaming at 6am.

I'm not happy, and neither is Jak who is still sharing my room.

Now it's 10am, the girls are high on 'Smarties' and mom is trying in vain to dress them both at the same time.

"Lil, come here. Are you gonna wear your purple stuff today?" She nods viciously as Mom throws me a grateful smile. I quickly close my eyes while she pulls on her underwear then I help her put on the white tights, then the white long sleeved shirt and finally the purple corduroy pinafore dress that mom and Luka bought her for Christmas. Lei has a matching one in blue.

"Shoes!" She screeches and then laughs. I rummage through the closet and pull out her purple boots which I slip onto her feet and begin brushing her hair.

"Noooo! Mama!" Both me and mom stop moving and look at each other. Lilia pulls away from me and runs to mom who instinctively picks her up.

"Lil, why did you call me mama?" she asks patiently.

"You are Alex's mama and you look after me. My mama looked after me, and made me food and hugged me. You do all that." Lilia looks up at mom. "Are you going to be my second mama?" Mom thinks for a second then smiles.

"Yes, after Uncle Luka adopts you he'll be your 'dad' and then if I marry him that will make me your second mom." Lilia seems content with this explanation but still doesn't let go of mom.

Leioa trots over to me, holding her clothes and smiles.

"Do you want to get dressed?" I ask, laughing.

"Please." I go through the same ritual with Lei and soon she's dressed too, but lets me do her pigtails while Lilia gets breakfast.

Once we're all finished eating Luka stands up.

"Now, because today is Lilia's birthday we're going to the aquarium but first we thought we take a trip down to the city hall." We all look at him blankly. "Where we can sign the papers for the adoption." He adds, rolling his eyes. Suddenly it's like someone let a firework off. Leioa scrambles onto mom's lap and hugs her, Lilia attaches herself to Luka's leg and Jak and me jump around the room laughing.

"So you're all happy?" Luka yells over the racket, picking up the birthday girl.

The noise is enough to answer his question.

* * *

"Does it mean I have to call you dad?" I pipe up, leaning between the seats. Luka keeps his eyes on the road but glances at me quickly.

"Well, it's really up to you. You can if you want, but I don't mind."

"I think I want to." I've been thinking it over for a few days and it sounds right in my head.

"So do I." Leioa wriggles around behind me.

"And me." Lilia takes the lolly out of her mouth to speak then replaces it.

"I don't know if I do." Jak says quietly.

"Well I won't be offended if you don't." Jak nods and smiles softly. I've noticed he's kinda quiet and sad a lot of the time. I obviously understand why so I'm letting him come out of his shell.

He's been put in my classes at school but he's starting to make new friends. Everyone loves him! I'm starting to feel a little…jealous.

"We're here." Mom calls brightly. We all fall out of the car and bounce around the parking lot til Luka pushes us up the steps and we're hit by the silence.

"It's all…quiet." Leioa says, whispering.

"This way." We trail after dad until we get to a room. Me and Jak don't pay any attention to what the man is saying until mom says rather loudly.

"What?"

"I'm sorry but the legal limit is 8 months for time in the country." He drones.

"8 months? We can't adopt them for another 7 months?"

"I am afraid not. But…Alex, being born in this country, can be freely adopted. Has the named father signed consent?"

"I didn't name a father on his birth certificate." Mom says and both me and Luka gasp. She looks at us and rolls her eyes. "By the time Alex was born Steve was half way across Canada. I realised what a waste of space he was."

"Well would you like to proceed with the adoption of Alex Taggart?" Luka looks at me and I slowly nod, and then look at Jak who beams a smile at me.

* * *

_**14th January**_

I pick up my bag from underneath the desk and put my book away.

"Jakob, are you having lunch?" I look up in bewilderment at Stacey. "I mean, are you staying here for lunch?"

"Yeah."

"Do you wanna sit on our table?" I shrug and zip up the backpack.

"Sure, why not. Al, you staying…" I stop as Stacey frowns and shakes her head. Alex looks at me then continues packing his bag. Suddenly I realise Stacey doesn't want Alex to join us. "Erm…see ya round Al." As I walk out the class Joey, Tag and Rosie join the group walking to the canteen.

"Why didn't you want Alex to come with us?" I round on Stacey.

"He's weird, ok? He has a thing about blood and gross stuff. Plus he's not as nice looking as you." I blush and turn to look at Joey but I catch the sight of Alex, standing in the doorway. In earshot. Looking not too happy, and I suddenly feel like the most evil person in the world.

* * *


	16. Chapter 16

"Hey Alex." I hear Jak call my name but I don't turn round. I don't need a traitor as a brother. "Alex, please." He grabs my arm but I wrench it from his grip and glare at him. "Seriously, I don't even like them."

"Why do you hang with them then? Why do you laugh with them and sit on their table at lunch. I don't care anymore Jakob; I really don't give a SHIT!" As I yell the last word, I turn and run off, my feet pumping the ground like a heartbeat. I keep running until the anger stops pounding through my veins, until I'm panting from exertion instead of rage. Slowly, I slide down the wall until I'm sitting on the floor when I at last can rest my head in my hands and breathe.

* * *

"Ms Taggart, It's principal Saunders. I'm afraid…Alex has gone missing."

"You what?" I say, sinking into the seat at admit.

"Well, a student claims to have seen an argument between Alex and Jakob, in which Alex took off shortly before lunch. This student didn't come straight away to me because he wasn't sure if Alex was gone for good." She didn't sound too convinced but carries on. "Unfortunately, it appears he ran out of the back gate which was unsupervised for a short length of time."

"So my son escaped from school though a gate that should have been supervised?" I ask sharply.

"Erm…yes, unfortunately so." She does sound really sorry but I can't help worrying. If he went shortly before lunch that means he hadn't eaten for a good few hours and his blood sugar would be dangerously low. I just hope he had some change and found himself near a shop with enough sense to buy something.

"If you can make it down here…"

"I'll be there in ten minutes." I drop the phone into its holder and run to the locker room.

"What's the rush?" Abby asks, sipping some coffee.

"Alex has run away from school." I throw my coat round my shoulders and begin winding a scarf around my neck.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Is he okay?" I shrug.

"I don't know. All I'm worried about is his blood sugar."

"Oh yeah! Jeez Sam, I hope he's okay. Do you want me to come with you?"

"No but thanks though. I'll quickly find Luka and tell him."

"Let me, you go." I hug her quickly and run out.

"I'm Samantha Taggart. Alex's mother." I cling to the reception desk as Betty buzzes Principal Saunders.

"Go right through." I don't stop to thank her.

* * *

"Luka, Sam had to go to Alex's school."

"Are the boys okay?"

"Alex has disappeared." My jaw drops and I rush towards the locker room.

"I have to go up there."

"She didn't want me…"

"But I want to be there. He's my son too." I see Abby look at me. "I adopted him." Now it's her turn to look shocked.

"Wow, Luka. Maybe this isn't the time but that's amazing!" She quickly throws her arms around me then shoves me out the door. "Go find your son!" She calls, and the whole ER grinds to a halt.

"You'll pay for that!" I laugh then stop as I imagine Alex…my son, somewhere.

Oh God, if it's 1.30 now, the school would have left it about half an hour before ringing Sam. That means he disappeared sometime before Lunch, which means he hasn't eaten since 8am. I just hope he has the sense to get something to eat from the money I gave him this morning.

"I'm Luka Kovac, Alex's father."

"Oh, I'll…erm…just call through to the Principal." After a pause she smiles. "Go right through."

* * *

I sit in the Principals office staring at my nails. Sam is on my left, biting hers and Luka is on my right, drumming his on the table.

"So Jakob, what were Alex's last words to you." I blush. I can't tell this room full of adults, all looking menacing, that Alex swore at me.

"Erm…" Sam reaches out for my hand, like a peace symbol. She's probably the only one I could swear to.

"Can I whisper it to Sam?" Principal Saunders raises an eyebrow then nods.

"He said…I don't care anymore Jakob, I really don't give a shit." I whisper and Sam smiles.

"That is so Alex." Luka cocks his head. "Apparently…"

"It's true!" I'm afraid she doesn't believe me but she squeezes my hand and continues.

"…He said- I don't care anymore." Everyone looks thoroughly disappointed that he hadn't screamed something about going to England on a yacht made of cheese puffs.

"Nothing else?" Luka asks, looking directly at me.

"No. I promise that was all he said."

"Okay, it's fine. Jak-don't feel guilty." I look up sharply.

"How can I not feel guilty?"

"What happened?" I bit my lip. It was silly, trivial. Nothing.

"Since I came here I've…got a lot of attention. Today a few people asked me to sit with them, but they said they didn't want Alex to come because…they think he's weird."

"And how is that your fault?" Sam asks softly and I shrug.

"Because I let them, I suppose. At first, I just let them."

"At first?"

"After we fought I went back to them and said I didn't want to sit with them anymore, that Alex meant more than them-he's my family."

Suddenly the receptionist exploded through the door, her chins wobbling in a rhythm of their own.

"A small boy, matching the description of Alex has been taken to County General Hospital. I don't know his condition."

* * *


	17. Chapter 17

Sam leapt from her seat so quick she blurred.

"Sam, stop." I grab her arm and hold on. Tears are streaming down her cheeks like rivers and it's breaking my heart. "Come on Jak, we're going to the hospital." Jak looks so pale I'm not sure there's much blood left in his face. I know he feels guilty, even though this whole thing has nothing to do with him-he stood up for Alex.

Sam wrenches free and runs towards the car. I throw a quick thank you over my shoulder and rush after her, dragging Jak behind me.

We drive like the wind to the hospital, Sam silently crying, Jak sitting like a stone block and me trying desperately to stay focused and not think the very worst. The minute I slow down Sam jumps out of the car and disappears into the building.

"Look, Jak- No one blames you."

"I blame myself. And Alex blames me."

"No, he was upset at what those kids said. He just took it out on you. If he knew what you said after, he'd be proud. I sure am." He seems to come out of his reverie slightly as he swings himself out of the car. "Come on; let's go find your brother." He almost smiles at that.

* * *

"Abby." I swipe at the tears that are pouring down my face. She immediately comes round the desk and takes my arm, guiding me into the locker room.

"Right, I'll give it to you straight…" Luka charges in and rushes to my side. Jak loiters by the door but with a deep look on his face. "…he came in the rig, someone found by the park in hypoglycaemia. He was drifting in and out of consciousness on the journey and went completely just before they got here. We injected glucagon and he's just come round. Do you want to go to see him?" I nod and wipe my eyes. Abby smiles weakly and rubs my arm. "Hey, stop that. He's going to be fine."

"I know, I feel so silly but…I got so worried." Luka takes my hand then kisses my temple.

"Lead the way." He says quietly and Abby takes us to exam 3. Jak loiters behind us until I grab his hand and pull him into a one armed hug. He looked so frightened.

Alex is propped up on the bed, looking as white as the pillow behind his head, but with a smile on his face.

"I get to have jam on toast mom. I haven't had that for ages!" He says weakly. I smile and kiss his forehead.

"You gave me…us, all of us a shock."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just so mad at Joey and Stacey…"

"And me." Jak says sadly.

"No, I was mad at them and you were just…there. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I don't want to blame it on the hypo, but it can cause mood swings."

"Well I wouldn't blame you if you were mad at me."

"Shut up you, I couldn't be mad at you if I tried. Those big puppy eyes get me every time." They both laugh softly.

"Mr Taggart? Here is your toast and jam and some fruit juice." Jake sets the tray down. "Be grateful, I had to beg for that."

"Thanks…Dr Scanlon." Jake bows and Abby rolls her eyes at me.

"We'll leave you alone." She says and drags Jake out, probably to go 'gather supplies' together.

"I really am sorry." Alex says through a mouth of jam. I raise an eyebrow and he swallows then speaks. "I guess I've been…a little…"

"Jealous?" Jak supplies, and Alex blushes.

"You get the girls. I've never got the girls."

"What about Mackie?" I smile as Alex blushes deeper.

"Thanks dude. And anyway…she doesn't count."

"Well rumour is-she thinks you're cute."

"Luka, lets go and get some coffee. I think the guys need to chat." Alex shoots me a grateful look as we exit. Through the blinds I see them both laugh, Jak with his shaggy mop of black hair and Alex with jam around his mouth. My two boys.

* * *

"Night Alex."

"Mom? Will it happen again? Like, tonight?"

"I shouldn't think so; you've had your insulin and a good starchy meal. Call me if you feel funny." I nod and she kisses my head. Jak sighs and turns to look at me.

"I'm sorry for letting them say those things."

"Don't worry. I know I'm weird." I laugh.

"I don't think you're so weird." He says honestly.

"Thanks…bro."

"That s'ok…bro." We both grin like loons on loon pills ie. A lot.

* * *


End file.
